


These days

by myenduringheart



Category: EXO (Band), Z.Tao (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends to Lovers, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 14:01:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9444329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myenduringheart/pseuds/myenduringheart
Summary: One day, Sehun won't love Zitao, and Zitao won't love Sehun.But these days? These days:it feels like you're mine, it seems like you're mine but not.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration and lyrics from this song - [Some](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-FhDScM_2w) and [this post](http://lovertronic.tumblr.com/post/106175938045/taohun-platonic-lovers-fanmix-these-days).
> 
> Written for the 2015 round of [Bottom Sehun](http://bottomsehun.livejournal.com/) (yes, it has taken me a long time to cross post!)

_These days, it feels like you're mine, it seems like you're mine but not_  
_It feels like I'm yours, it seems like I'm yours but not_  
_What are we?_

 

*

 

"Just friends, right?" Zitao asked. Despite the light in the room his eyes appeared dull. In the background the TV was on, playing a sweet ballad, the lyrics talking about romance and love, but they both ignored it. 

"Yes," Sehun agreed. "Just friends." He closed his eyes to the lie when Zitao leant down to kiss him. 

 

*

 

_Previously_

 

Sehun's phone rang, an obnoxious extract of an electronic based rap song that played ridiculously loudly, no matter the volume. It sent him jumping into the air, swearing loudly, as his character on screen fell off the cliff.

He knew that ring tone far too well - Zitao had set it on Sehun's phone for his calls a few months ago and Sehun hadn't figured out how to change it. 

"Yeah?" Sehun said, bracing the phone against his ear.

"Are you ready yet?" 

"Well…" Sehun said cagily as he let the game controller drop from his other hand to the floor. 

"Hunnie! You better not be sitting there in your underwear playing video games!" 

Sehun scoffed. His best friend didn't know him that well. He wasn't _just_ in his underwear, he also had a sweatshirt on. 

"You promised that you'd come," Zitao continued. " _Remember?_ " 

Zitao had been excited about tonight's party for ages. It was being held by Zhou Mi, Sehun's work mentor and Zitao's cousin. Zhou Mi had a huge house in a suburb not far from the city, and the party was an annual event. _Everyone_ that Zhou Mi knew was going to be there - and Zhou Mi knew a lot of cool people.

"You know I don't like these things," Sehun huffed as he flopped backwards. He didn't really like parties, much less parties that he had to dress up for. It was a costume party, and while Zitao _loved_ costume parties, Sehun thought they were kind of dumb. What was even the point behind them? Why couldn't he wear his normal clothes? When he'd said this to Zitao previously, he received an eyeroll and an accusation that he didn't know how to have fun.

"But we're meant to be a pair! I even bought you the accessories." Zitao's brilliant idea was that they would go as each other's counterpart, with Zitao dressing as an angel and Sehun as a devil. 

Sehun didn't know why they had to be coordinated when Zitao was just looking for an excuse to wear a pair of wings. Still, most of the time, it was just easier to go along with Zitao's ideas once he got excited about them so he hadn't spent too long trying to talk him out of it. 

"Go to your closet," Zitao commanded. "Wear that black shirt I gave you, and a pair of your black work pants." 

Sehun wrinkled his nose as he obeyed, going to his bedroom and retrieving the two items from his closet. He laid them on his bed, next to the horns and cape that Zitao had bought him. 

"Hurry up and get dressed," Zitao was saying. "I'm almost at Zhou Mi's place." Sehun put the call on speakerphone, putting his phone down so he could undress.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather come over and watch a movie?" Sehun asked hopefully as he pulled the sweatshirt he was wearing over his head. It belonged to Zitao - Sehun had borrowed it one day and never returned it - and it was soft, cozy and warm. He looked at it sadly as his fingers did up the buttons on his dress shirt. 

"Hun… please come. It won't be as fun without you."

Zitao's voice was soft and pleading - he knew exactly how to melt away Sehun's protests and Sehun relented. "Okay, okay, I'm getting ready, I am." 

"Don't forget the contacts!"

"I'm not wearing those," Sehun told him firmly. Zitao had also purchased him a pair of red contacts, but Sehun wasn't giving in on this part. "They make my eyes hurt."

He could almost see Zitao's pout. "Okay fine. See you soon?"

"See you soon," he agreed.

It didn't take long for Sehun to finish dressing and soon he was in a taxi to Zhou Mi's house. The drive took about 30 minutes, giving him time to fret and worry at his fingernails. Sehun truly didn't like these types of things. Although generally quiet around people he didn't know well, he was fine at small gatherings. Large ones though? He always felt awkward and uncomfortable. Zitao was much better at them, somehow having a knack of finding common ground with others, and people seemed to warm to his genuine interest, his openness and lack of guile. 

Sehun was glad that Zitao would be there, because even if Zitao hadn't been Zhou Mi's cousin, Sehun would've felt obliged to attend anyway. Zhou Mi was his mentor at work, his senior, someone who had taken him under his wing when he joined the company as a graduate. He was even the one who'd introduced Zitao to him. 

By the time the taxi pulled up, Sehun was fashionably late and the party was already in full swing. Even from the road he could hear the rumbles of low bass creeping out of the house, and there were a few groups of people scattered on the front lawn smoking and drinking, all dressed in varying costumes. 

He sent Zitao a message telling him he'd arrived before he reached the front door, hoping that he wouldn't have to search all the rooms for him. He recognised a few colleagues outside, nodding to them in greeting, but he didn't know them well enough to stop and talk. 

Sehun fidgeted with the red horns on his head. This party better be worth it, he thought to himself. Already the cape that Zitao had bought was starting to irritate him. It was long and flowing, bright red with a tall collar, and it contrasted sharply with the all black of the rest of his ensemble. 

"Hunnie!" Zitao exclaimed, coming down the hallway as Sehun entered, and Sehun's mouth went dry at the sight of his friend. Zitao loved dressing up, loved showing off, and boy - he'd outdone himself tonight. He hadn't seen Zitao's costume beforehand - not that there was much to see. 

 

Zitao's costume was as miniscule as his smile was wide: tiny white boy shorts hanging low on his hips, contrasting with his bronzed skin, and large feathery white wings behind him. If he was an angel, he was one of sin and temptation, and Sehun was suddenly overcome by how much he _wanted_.

Zitao danced over to him, eyes crinkling together, a cup of punch in his hand. "You look good, Hunhun," he told him. He reached up to touch one of the horns that was stuck on a headband perched in Sehun's hair, his finger trailing down Sehun's cheek afterwards. He was always like this. Affectionate, touchy, sweet. Sehun both loved and hated it. 

"And you look… great," Sehun responded, great being a huge understatement, after finally getting his vocal cords to work. Zitao sparkled at his words, as he did with every compliment he was given. It was an odd thing. Zitao was always so sure of himself. He overflowed with self confidence about his appearance, and yet he was grateful for every kind word, blossoming in praises like a flower under the sun. 

It was only after Sehun had known him for a while, that he learned that while Zitao's confidence was real and genuine, it wasn't always there. Sometimes it deserted him - when he was feeling sad, or when he remembered the mean things that people had said to him in the past. The way people mocked him, the way he spoke, his accent, or made fun of his earnestness and positivity. At the beginning of their friendship, Sehun had jokingly told him he was ugly a couple of times - used to bantering that way with his other friends - not knowing that Zitao would remember it during his sad moments. 

He stopped soon after realising seeing Zitao's shy smile was worth more than any banter. 

"Thank you," Zitao responded, somewhat bashfully to his compliment. 

Sehun didn't understand why. There was no way Zitao was going home alone tonight - not dressed like _that_.

Jealousy flashed through him at the thought. Zitao never dated - ever since Sehun had met him he'd been strongly, and somewhat oddly, against commitment - but he had plenty of hookups and one nighters. Zitao tried to keep them discreet, but Sehun knew because every morning after a one night stand he would show up at Sehun's apartment. 

He'd be barefaced, hair messy, all clingy and demanding of Sehun's time and affection. He'd badger him into cooking him breakfast, all touchy and cuddly, arms roped around Sehun's waist from the back and chin hooked over his shoulder as Sehun cooked. Then he'd insist they watch stupid movies or another episode of whatever drama they were into at the time, cuddling up to him on the couch. 

For some reason Sehun felt that he couldn't bear it tonight - he just couldn't. Couldn't bear to see _his_ Zitao with someone else, couldn't even handle the thought of it. He didn't want Zitao to come over in the morning and have to pretend that he didn't hate the way Zitao fucked other guys, constantly wondering why he never looked twice at Sehun. 

He wanted to be the one. He wanted Zitao to love him - one way or another. 

Perhaps it was that which gave Sehun the courage to take the cup from his hand, downing the contents in one go, before tossing it aside and taking Zitao's hand. 

"Where are we going?" Zitao asked, but Sehun didn't respond, pulling him up the stairs to where he assumed the bedrooms were. 

He entered the first one, pulling them both inside and shutting the door, wrenching off those stupid horns on his head at the same time and tossing them aside. 

He pressed Zitao against the door, uncaring that Zitao's wings were getting crushed. While he seemed confused, he didn't protest - didn't protest at all when Sehun kissed him. There was a moment when he was afraid that Zitao wouldn't respond, when he froze, but it passed and soon Zitao had melted, kissing him back hungrily. 

Zitao still didn't protest when Sehun nipped and licked his way down Zitao's chest to get on his knees.

"Hunnie?" Zitao asked, chest rising and falling deeply, eyes hooded. Sehun licked his lips, watched as Zitao's eyes darkened.

"Can I?" Sehun asked him. "I want to…" He knew this was a Bad Idea, the worst idea he'd had in a long time, but he'd wanted him for so long. Had dreamt about him, about this. He wanted for Zitao to nod before he nuzzled at his crotch through those shorts, toying with him through the material. 

"Yes?" Sehun asked again, before they went any further, wanting to be sure that this was okay. 

Zitao bit his lip, looking down at him with an emotion that Sehun presumed was lust. "Yes. Yes."

 

*

 

_I’m confused, don’t be aloof_  
_It feels like we’re lovers, it seems like we’re lovers but not_

 

*

 

Zitao couldn't believe it was happening. His best friend, the person of his dreams, wanted _him_. It was almost unbelievable, because Zitao had been attracted to him from their first meeting. The only thing that had stopped him from making a move was the fact that, at that time, he'd sworn off dating after a string of bad relationships. 

A couple of months before he'd met Sehun, his flatmate and friend, Lu Han, had told him, "You need to stop dating." He was being somewhat unsympathetic after hearing about Zitao's latest break up, although he did bring him a cup of tea and a box of tissues. "Your taste in men sucks." 

While his friend had a tendency to be blunt where Zitao was concerned, it wasn't untrue. Zitao's taste in men did suck, or perhaps he only attracted jerks. Jerks who used him, told him that they loved him and then went around fucking others. "You're a serial monogamist and you have awful taste in men. Stop dating. Be single."

Lu Han was right. Zitao had to stop dating jerks. None of them were worth his time, his effort. 

"You're right," he'd told Lu Han. "I'm going to stop."

"Sureeee."

"I am!" Zitao said firmly. "I'm giving up on relationships. No more!" He was determined this time. He needed to be by himself, to be single and free and proud. He needed to love himself and for that he needed to be alone. 

And then he met Sehun.

Sweet, cheeky, _beautiful_ Sehun, who looked cold and imposing on the outside but who turned out to be soft and gentle - and everything Zitao longed for in a guy. Sehun who held a secret love for kittens, Sehun whose eyes transformed into crescents when he laughed, Sehun who became unexpectedly excited and lively about tiny things. Sehun who had no idea of his own attractiveness, and who was as cuddly and affectionate as Zitao was. 

Zhou Mi, Zitao's most favourite cousin in the entire world, was the one who introduced them.

"Taotao, this is Sehun. He's new here - you two are about the same age. Do you think you could show him around?"

And Sehun was shy, and kind of awkward, but where someone might've mistaken that for arrogance, Zitao saw straight through it. They'd struck up an immediate friendship, and soon they were inseparable, and it became the kind of friendship that made Zitao realise he'd never truly had a best friend before. 

Months after meeting him, Zitao realised that he wanted more. But he'd promised himself - no relationships - and that kept him from crossing that line. Besides, the thought of ruining their friendship frightened him, scared him more than anything. 

But sometimes, when the urge to lean over and kiss Sehun became too strong, Zitao would look for a casual fling. They were always, strictly, one time things - just something to scratch the itch. 

The day after he'd be filled with something that closely resembled self-loathing. Sehun was both the cause and the cure. So he'd barge his way into Sehun's apartment, convince him to cook breakfast, make him cuddle on the couch and watch cheesy movies until the dark thoughts in his head went away. 

Sehun was such a good friend that he never questioned it, just indulged and humoured him. Sometimes, Zitao thought, _what if_ , before he quickly pushed those thoughts away. 

But now, out of nowhere, Sehun had taken him upstairs - to Zhou Mi's room, Zitao half registered - kissed him and then asked if he could blow him. 

His best friend, the guy he'd secretly been in love with for months. Zitao knew that he should say no before he fell any further, but he couldn't refuse any more than he could stop breathing.

With the way Sehun was looking up at him with those liquid eyes, the way his tongue swiped over his pink lips, the way he kissed along Zitao's shaft through the material of his shorts, Zitao was hard in no time. He didn't realise he had closed his eyes until Sehun stopped, pulling back, and Zitao let out a groan.

"Yes?" Sehun asked.

Sehun could've asked for anything at that point and Zitao would have found a way to give it to him. The moon, the stars, the solar system, the entire universe. And not because of what he was offering. Because this was _Sehun_ , the guy that Zitao was head over heels for. 

"Yes," he found himself saying, breathing heavily already. "Yes."

Sehun tugged at his shorts, pulling them down the narrow line of his hips along with his boxers. Zitao's erection sprung free, and Sehun let the material fall to pool down at Zitao's feet. Sehun let his hands run up Zitao's thighs, leaning in to lick a stripe along the underside of Zitao's cock, tracing along the vein. His eyes were half lidded as he twirled his tongue around teasingly, licking up the bead of precome, before sealing his mouth around and sucking Zitao down. 

"Oh my god," Zitao moaned, the sight of his cock going in and out of Sehun's pretty, pretty lips burning into his brain. His knees trembled as he did his best to stay standing. The wings, held on via elastic looped around his shoulders, dug into his back. 

When Sehun started bobbing his head, taking Zitao deeper and deeper each time, slurping filthily, Zitao had to use every ounce of restraint that he owned not to come right there and then. Until Sehun pulled off, his lips pink and wet, panting a little. 

"You should fuck me," Sehun said, and Zitao was certain that he must be dreaming. He almost pinched himself but then Sehun said it again. "Fuck me." 

Zitao shrugged off his wings, uncaring of their state, letting them fall to the ground and kicking off his sandals. 

He pulled Sehun to his feet, up to where he could kiss him fiercely. He walked him backwards to the bed, mouths still sealed together, Zitao unbuttoning his shirt on the way and pushing it off his shoulders along with the cape. Now that he was equally as exposed, Zitao tore himself away from their kissing to properly look at him. 

He was gorgeous: broad shoulders tapering to a small waist, lightly muscled, smooth pale skin. Sehun was such a contrast to Zitao. He was perfect. Beautiful. 

"What is it?" Sehun asked, seemingly a little self conscious at the way Zitao was staring at him. 

"Nothing," Zitao smiled at him, leaning in to kiss him again, gently guiding him down on to the bed so he was flat on his back. Sehun's hands scrabbled at his pants, trying to undo them and not break their kissing. Finally Zitao stopped, laughing a little at him. "Let me help."

Together they managed to open Sehun's pants, and Zitao tugged them down his legs, removing them with his underwear as Sehun awkwardly kicked off his socks and shoes. The view now was even better and Zitao placed kisses up Sehun's inner thighs, watching in amusement as Sehun's cock twitched in response, before mouthing his way up Sehun's stomach. He stopped at his nipples, tonguing them teasingly and Sehun squirmed underneath him. 

When Zitao hovered above him, Sehun automatically spread his legs and Zitao settled into the space between them, as if he belonged there. They kissed again, hungry and deep, and Zitao reached between their bodies, wrapping a hand around Sehun's cock, jerking him off slowly. 

He loved the way Sehun was moaning into his lips, loved the way he rutted against him, loved everything about him. Would he ever be able to jerk off ever again without fantasising of Sehun? The way he looked on his back, naked, perfect, beautiful. The way his lips were wet and shiny, swollen from their kisses, soft and pliant as they moulded to Zitao's mouth. How he bucked into Zitao's hand as he tugged on him firmly. The way he let out a low whine when Zitao stopped kissing him so he could rummage in the bedside table, hoping that his cousin stored lube and condoms there.

Zitao hit jackpot as he came across familiar shapes in the drawer - the sharp foil edge of a condom packet and a smooth triangular tube. He dropped a kiss on Sehun's nose. "Just getting condoms," Zitao reassured Sehun who was chasing his mouth, trying to tug Zitao back down. He pulled out the supplies, dropping them next to him on the bed. 

This was it. Zitao could hardly believe it. What if… what if Sehun didn't mean it? 

"Are you sure?" Even though Zitao knew that Sehun hated being second guessed, he needed to give him a chance to back out. Because if he didn't want this, if he didn't want Zitao in this way, he needed to know before he fell any further, before he would be completely and utterly lost. 

"Yes," Sehun replied impatiently. Sehun hands cupped Zitao's ass as he ground up against him, his erection rubbing against Zitao's, and he moaned, eyes fluttering shut. "Please." 

Zitao's heart was full, overflowing, but somehow he managed to squeeze a generous amount of lube on his fingers before rubbing them gently around the rim of Sehun's entrance. 

"Please," Sehun said again, pleadingly, his voice all breathy and wrecked already. Zitao could barely wait any longer. He pressed a finger in, then another when Sehun seemed to take it easily. He added a third when Sehun asked for more, finger fucked him until he was a writhing and moaning mess. 

He wondered if he could make Sehun come like this, the thought adding to the heat inside of him. 

"Fuck," Sehun bit out when Zitao found his spot, pressing against it. "Zitao, Tao, fuck me, c'mon."

Zitao pulled his fingers out, hastily ripping open the condom packet and rolling it on. He held Sehun's ankles, bending him in half as he pressed Sehun's knees to his chest and lined his cock up. Sehun squirmed, impatiently, and Zitao slowly pushed inside of him, pulling more moans from his mouth.

Zitao fucked him slow and precisely, brushing the head of his cock against Sehun's prostate with each thrust. He was sure that nothing had ever felt so good, no one had ever been as sexy as Sehun was. His beautiful, gorgeous, amazing Sehun. Zitao gradually increased the pace until he was fucking him hard, pounding into him, the room filled with their moans and the slapping of skin on skin. Sehun's hands were clasped around Zitao's back, one around Zitao's nape, holding him close, kissing him hungrily. Gradually Zitao picked up the pace, fucked him so hard Sehun couldn't kiss him any more, could only lie there panting into Zitao's mouth. 

"You're amazing, you feel so good," Zitao praised him, reaching down to pull on Sehun's cock. "So - oh!" He bit off his words when Sehun's walls tightened around him as he came with a low cry, back arching and eyes tightly closed. Zitao buried his face into Sehun's neck as he followed, rocketing off the edge and flying free in exhilaration. 

 

*

 

Zitao fucked the way Sehun had always imagined. 

But it was better than in his fantasies, because this was real. The feel of Zitao's firm body against his, the way he kissed him like he was the sweetest, most delicious thing he'd ever tasted. The way he looked at him - like he was the only man who existed in the world. 

During the event, the sex, it was incredible. Afterwards… after Zitao came, slumping over Sehun's body, Sehun started to be afraid, even as he felt Zitao's heart thumping alongside his.

Sehun knew that Zitao was going to want to talk about this. He was going to want to define it. But what if Sehun told him the truth - that he loved him, that he wanted more - and he was met with rejection? Would it mean the end of their friendship, the thing that Sehun valued more than anything? Sehun wanted to hold on to him, even if it meant… 

Sehun composed himself. He licked his lips, croaking out, "This doesn't change anything. We're just friends? Right?" 

He could feel Zitao stiffen above him, and for a moment his heart held hope that he was wrong, that maybe - as unlikely as it was - that Zitao would tell him that he was being silly. That Zitao was deeply in love with him, and that of course it changed things. 

But instead Zitao rolled off him to stare at the ceiling. He cleared his throat. "Right. Of course." His voice was normal and unaffected, completely nonchalant, and disappointment welled in Sehun's chest. 

Stupid, he derided himself. Zitao could have anyone he wanted. Why would he want Sehun? 

Sehun grabbed a handful of tissues from the bedside table, cleaning up a little before he got off the bed to get dressed. He pulled on his pants and then his shirt, before sneaking a look at his friend. Zitao was watching him, his face blank, and Sehun forced a smile on his face.

"I'm going downstairs to get a drink. Do you want one?" 

Zitao propped himself up on his elbows. "Sure. You go first - I'll meet you down there."

"Okay." 

Sehun left the room, knowing now that the sex was the worst mistake he'd made in a long, long time. Now that he'd had a taste, he'd fed the fire, and he wanted _more_.

 

*

 

_Whenever you see me, you act so vague to me_  
_These days, I hate hearing that I’m just like a friend_  
_I don’t like you, don’t like you these days_  
_But I only have you, I only have you_

 

*

 

Zitao felt like a fool. Friends. Just friends. _Of course_ that's all Sehun wanted. Zitao had been about to confess, to tell him he loved him, only to be sent crashing down to earth with those two words. How could he have been so stupid to think that Sehun would want more from him? 

No one ever did. 

He knew that Lu Han would scold him if he knew - tell him off for getting emotionally attached, yet again. And now he was supposed to go downstairs, have a drink, dance, act _normal_ and pretend that he wasn't in love with his best friend. Zitao rolled over, pressed his face into the pillow and screamed out his frustration. 

When it was time to make his way downstairs, he knew he couldn't do it. He sent Sehun a message, saying that he had to leave due to a small family emergency and went home. 

He barely slept that night, replaying it all in his head, wondering how he'd managed to fall for someone who didn't want to love him - yet again. 

The next morning, he was back at Zhou Mi's house. His cousin answered when he knocked on the door: bleary eyed, hair all tousled, in the rattiest trackpants, and yawning. When Zitao awoke, feeling shit about himself, he'd almost gone to Sehun's apartment, until he remembered that he _couldn't_. Instead he went to the second most indulgent person he knew. 

Zhou Mi let him in, scratching at his stomach. There was still remnants of the party littered around the house - plastic cups and bottles everywhere - and Zitao went to the kitchen to grab a garbage bag, starting to clean up. 

Zhou Mi leaned on the doorway of the living room, still yawning. "You don't have to do that."

Considering Zitao had had sex on Zhou Mi's bed, he figured it was the least he could do. 

"You left early last night," Zhou Mi said, gently kicking an empty bottle in Zitao's direction. "I barely even saw you. Did Sehun come? I didn't see him at all." 

Zitao shrugged in response, bending to collect the bottle so he didn't have to meet his eyes but he could still feel Zhou Mi eyeing him carefully. "Did the two of you have a fight?" Zhou Mi asked. 

"No," Zitao told him. It was the truth - they hadn't fought - but why did it also feel like a lie? "I just… wasn't feeling up to a party." 

At that, Zhou Mi grabbed the bag off him and steered him to the couch. "Sit. I'm making coffee." 

When he returned with it, handing a cup over, he said, "Now spill. What happened?" When Zitao didn't respond, just sat there quietly sipping his coffee, Zhou Mi let out a gasp, his eyes wide. "Oh my god. You hooked up!"

Zitao almost spat out his mouthful. "How did you…" he said automatically before he collected himself, clearing his throat. "No. No! Why would you say that?" 

Zhou Mi leaned over to ruffle his hair. "I can read you like a book. Also, you normally go to Sehun the mornings after, and you're not there now, so… it wasn't that big a leap to make."

"How do you know I usually go to Sehun's?"

"Oh, he let it slip once." 

Zitao could feel his cheeks getting hot. While he was close with Zhou Mi, more like brothers than cousins, there were still some things he'd rather he didn't know. 

"I always thought you two would end up together," Zhou Mi was saying, almost to himself before realising, "Wait - was it bad? Why aren't you with him? Are you together now or not?"

"We're not together," Zitao replied, tasting bitterness in his mouth, and not from the coffee. "We're just friends." 

"Oh." Zhou Mi seemed to understand, reaching over to pull him under his arm, and Zitao felt so bad about himself that he let Zhou Mi hold him. 

 

*

 

Sehun was feeling bad about himself too. Home in his apartment, he was stuck in a loop. Call Zitao? Don't call Zitao? He picked up his phone to call him, then changed his mind and put it down, walking away. A minute later he found himself returning to it. 

"Idiot. Stupid," he cursed himself. "What the hell was I thinking?" He almost pressed the button to call Zitao when he changed his mind yet again, this time burying his phone under his pillow and closing the door to his room. But soon he found himself back in his room again, phone in hand. 

"I'm expressing concern - as a friend," he said aloud to himself. "That's all." 

The previous night, Sehun had grabbed a drink while he waited for Zitao. He was glad for the time alone, away from him, to clear his head. But after twenty minutes, just as Sehun was about to go up and look for him, he received a message from Zitao saying he needed to go home. 

_small family emergency. everything's fine but i have to go. have fun tonight, talk to you tomorrow._

Sehun left soon after.

So now he argued with himself - what would seem stranger? Call or not call? It would be weird if your best friend said they had a family emergency and you _didn't_ call - right? Or would it be weird if you had sex with your best friend, and then _did_ call? What would that imply? Friends? _Just_ friends? More than friends? _I want to hold your hand and make out and maybe sometimes fuck_ friends? 

Sehun, by now, had thoroughly confused himself and his head hurt. He slumped onto his bed, phone still clutched in his hand, undecided. Sehun hadn't met any of Zitao's family yet, with the exception of Zhou Mi, who --

Sehun almost smacked himself when he realised. 

Zhou Mi.

Zhou Mi was Zitao's family. So he could call Zhou Mi, and that would let him know whether he should call Zitao or not. He dialed the number before he could put himself into another spiral of overthinking. 

"Err. Hi!" Zhou Mi's voice sounded strange when he eventually picked up. "What's happening?"

"Hello," Sehun replied. "Thanks for the party last night. I was wondering - have you heard from Zitao?"

"Ahhhhh..." There was a long pause and then Zhou Mi said, "No? Why?"

"Oh. I just thought -- he said there was a family emergency last night and so I wondered if everything was okay." 

There was another suspiciously long pause, so long that Sehun moved the phone away from his ear to check that the call was still connected. "Yup, everything's fine," Zhou Mi said brightly. "You should call him. Okay, gotta go - see you at work on Monday. Bye!" 

_That was weird,_ Sehun thought. Was everything really okay? It didn't sound okay. What if something serious had happened and Zhou Mi didn't know how to tell him? What if… what if last night hadn't been okay and now Zitao didn't even want to be friends anymore? Sehun realised he was starting to wheeze.

He literally jumped when his phone rang with that stupid song, indicating it was Zitao. 

'Hi?" Sehun said tentatively, his voice shaky.

Zitao's next words sent Sehun's anxiety into overdrive. 

 

* 

 

"It's Sehun," Zhou Mi said in surprise, looking at his phone when it rang. "Speak of the devil. Do you want to talk to him?" He held out the phone and Zitao recoiled as if it was poison, pushing himself into the corner of the couch. 

"Noooooo." When Zhou Mi moved to answer the call, he lunged forward, "Wait! Don't answer!" It was too late.

"Err. Hi!" Zhou Mi said. "What's happening?" He frowned at Zitao before humming in response to something Sehun said, before covering the microphone with his hand. _"He wants to know if I've seen you,_ he whispered. 

Zitao shook his head frantically. _"No! Tell him no!"_

"No? Why?" Zhou Mi lied. Zitao groaned quietly. Zitao wasn't the only one in the family who was a terrible liar. 

Zhou Mi covered the phone again. _"You told him there was a family emergency?"_ he whispered disbelievingly. _"What am I meant to tell him?"_

_"Just say that everything's fine, that he doesn't have to worry."_

"Everything's fine!" Zhou Mi parroted. "You should call him!" Zitao shot up when he heard that, giving Zhou Mi a wide eyed look and shaking his head which his cousin ignored. "Okay, gotta go - see you at work on Monday. Bye!"

"MI!" Zitao screeched. 

"Stop being such a child," Zhou Mi admonished, but gently because he was about as scary as a teddy bear. "Talk to him. What's the problem?"

"There's no problem." 

Zhou Mi rolled his eyes. "God, you're both as dumb as each other. Look, just talk to him. What are you going to do? Avoid him for the rest of your life?"

"No," Zitao pouted. "Of course not." He had only been planning on avoiding Sehun for a month, not for his entire life. 

"If you don't talk to him, I will," Zhou Mi said threateningly. "And if _I_ talk to him, I'll tell him that you're hopelessly in love with him." While Zhou Mi was just teasing, he had no idea how close to the truth he actually was. When he held up his phone, as if he was about to make good on that threat, Zitao flipped, throwing himself on top of his cousin. Unfortunately Zhou Mi worked out a lot and was both broader and stronger and easily kept it out of reach. 

Zitao gave up. "Fine. I'll call him." 

Zhou Mi raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms, and was silent, waiting. 

Zitao huffed, knowing exactly what that look meant. "FINE. I'll call him now." 

Zhou Mi just sat there waiting. He did the disapproving older brother routine _really_ well and finally Zitao caved, pulling out his phone. 

"Hi," he said when Sehun picked up. "I think we need to talk." 

 

*

 

Zitao paced outside Sehun's apartment, knowing that he should knock on the door. Zhou Mi had been encouraging as Zitao left his house but the little burst of motivation he'd gotten from him had dissipated during the travel to Sehun's place. Now he was filled with doubt. 

"So… were you ever going to knock?" 

Zitao looked up from his muttering to himself to find Sehun in the doorway. God knows how long he'd been standing there, watching Zitao pace up and down, talking quietly to himself. Normally Zitao could read his friend really easily, but today Sehun looked so blank that Zitao didn't know what it meant. 

"Sorry," Zitao apologised, "I was --" he cut himself off, shrugging, unsure what he was trying to say.

He followed Sehun into his apartment. Sehun plonked himself down on the couch, drawing his legs up and hugging a cushion to his chest. He looked defensive and guarded, and Zitao wondered what that meant. 

Zitao's throat was dry and he swallowed nervously as he sat next to him, making sure to keep a decent amount of space. Normally, he would've shuffled right up to his friend, practically on top of him, but today he made sure to leave a wide gap. 

It felt weird. This whole thing was weird. It was all Zitao's fault - with Sehun he couldn't separate sex and emotion like he could with other guys. He should've said no to Sehun's offer, he should've been strong. 

"About last night," Zitao began, his throat feeling tight.

"I'm sorry," Sehun interrupted quickly before he could finish his sentence. "I shouldn't have -- I thought --" He licked his lips nervously. "It was a mistake." 

Even though Zitao thought so too, it stung to hear Sehun say it. They were both silent for a moment. Sehun's eyes were downcast, looking down at his lap, and his face was still infuriatingly blank and impossible to read. Zitao had always been able to read his friend - always. When others thought Sehun was cold, arrogant, Zitao could always tell what he was really thinking. Apart from today.

"We're still good - right? As friends?"

Zitao watched as Sehun gulped, his adam's apple bobbing. 

"Yeah. Of course." 

"I mean," Zitao laughed weakly. "Nothing's changed."

Finally Sehun looked up, meeting his eyes. "Of course not." He was smiling. "We can be friends and hook up occasionally." He shrugged. "It doesn't mean anything." 

Zitao's entire body went cold. It really didn't mean anything to Sehun. Zitao plastered a smile on his face and agreed. "Of course. It doesn't mean anything." 

Inside his heart broke into tiny little pieces, scattering like dust in the wind.

 

*

 

_Clearly draw the line for me, don’t pull out but confess your love to me_  
_Pretending that we're just friends, acting like we're lovers_  
_Don't do that_

 

*

 

Sehun noticed how careful Zitao was to keep space between them. He hugged a cushion to his chest, resisting the urge to climb into Zitao's lap and bury himself in his arms. 

Did Zitao truly have no idea of the effect he had on him? 

Then Sehun realised. Zitao probably knew - Sehun was positive that he'd given himself away. Zitao was here to let him down gently. That's why he was so nervous. That's why he was being so careful. 

Sehun couldn't bear it. He didn't want to hear Zitao make excuses for last night, didn't want to hear him saying that it was nothing, didn't want him to say that he could never love Sehun the way Sehun loved him. 

He interrupted before Zitao could finish his sentence. 

"I'm sorry," Sehun told him. "I shouldn't have -- I thought --" _I wasn't thinking, I just couldn't resist anymore._ "It was a mistake." He couldn't bring himself to look at his friend. Why did it hurt so much to pretend, even though he was just protecting himself? 

He forced a smile onto his face, feeling like it was more of a grimace, and found himself saying, "We can be friends and hook up occasionally. It doesn't mean anything." 

Despite everything, he was devastated when Zitao agreed. "Of course. It doesn't mean anything." 

He swallowed down the pain, leaping off the couch. "Well. I'm hungry. Want something to eat?" Truthfully, he doubted he could stomach food right now but he needed to get out of this room. Maybe he just needed to pretend that everything was normal. 

"Sure," Zitao replied, following him out of the living room. "I'll help."

Sehun opened his fridge, inspecting the contents and then asked, "Sandwiches?" That was about all he could quickly rustle up. Zitao hooked his chin over Sehun's shoulder, like he always did, and Sehun tried not to flinch from his hug. He mustn't have been successful as Zitao quickly withdrew. 

While Sehun retrieved food from his fridge - ham, cheese, butter - Zitao grabbed the bread and a chopping board. Once Sehun placed everything on the counter he realised he forgot the mayonnaise, having to go back to the fridge as Zitao didn't like butter on his sandwiches. 

They worked together silently, Zitao spreading butter and mayo on the bread before sliding them over to Sehun to complete. 

They took their plates back to the living room and Sehun turned on the TV. A few weeks ago they'd started watching a drama and only had one episode left of the series. Sehun automatically went to put it on, before he thought to ask. 

Normally he wouldn't have bothered, would have just assumed what Zitao would want, but today he was unsure of everything. 

"Do you want to watch this?" Sehun asked, gesturing at the screen as the credits started. "There's only one episode left."

"Yeah, that's fine." 

They ate as the episode played, although Sehun had trouble focussing on the action onscreen. He was so aware of Zitao next to him, knowing the exact moment he finished eating, noticing when he leant forward to put his plate on the coffee table, even becoming aware of the moment he stretched, popping his back, before sliding down the couch a little so he could rest his head on it. 

He thought he was being discreet, until a quiet moment in the show, when Zitao said, "Stop staring at me. You're being weird."

"I'm not!" Sehun lied, flicking his eyes back to the screen. Then he realised that he had zoned out and had no idea what was happening. "Umm - did they just reveal that Jake is his brother?"

Zitao scoffed at him, grabbing the remote to rewind it. "You always miss the important parts." Sehun often found his attention wandering whenever they watched something, but Zitao was always patient with his explanations. So despite his words, there was an affectionate tone in his voice as he filled Sehun in. "So that's why he'd had to hide who he really was all this time." 

"Ohhh," Sehun said. "But - that's weird, why couldn't he have just told him the truth?" 

"I don't know, I didn't write it! I'm just telling you what happened!"

"But --"

"Hunnie!" 

"Sorry, sorry. Hit play." 

They managed to watch the rest without any further interruptions, though Sehun was still painfully aware of every one of Zitao's reactions - when he started biting down on his fist during a particularly tense scene, when he jolted in fright during another one, when he let out a little cry as the show revealed that the brother was the villain who had been behind all the awful things that had happened. 

When the credits rolled at the end of the series, after a rather depressing ending, Zitao slumped forward, covering his face with his hands and letting out a low moan. "Noooo that was horrible, why did we watch that?" 

"You wanted to, remember?" Sehun told him, but he reached over, starting to rub Zitao's back before he could catch himself. 

"It was bad, that was bad." Zitao seemed to have forgotten their prior awkwardness as he leaned over, hiding his face in Sehun's shoulder. He was hopeless, Sehun thought fondly. He always insisted he could handle angsty shows but always became far too emotionally invested in the characters and was devastated if anything bad happened to them. "Ugh." Sehun could feel Zitao's pout even though he couldn't see his face. "Can we put on something cute and funny now?" he pleaded. 

"Yeah," Sehun told him, still petting him gently, and the atmosphere between them _almost_ felt the same as it used to be. "Of course we can."

He started an animated movie - one they'd watched about a hundred times already - so often that Zitao could quote huge parts of the movie as it played. Somehow Zitao had maneuvered so his head was resting on Sehun's lap, his legs stretched out along the rest of the couch. Sehun dropped his hand to his hair, toying with it. He wondered if Zitao would dye his hair again. When they'd first met, Zitao's hair had been blonde, though he'd gone back to black not long afterwards. It was interesting how much his look changed with the hair colour. With the blonde he was eye catching, but seemed softer, while with the black he seemed more intense, fierce. It highlighted his features differently - the feline set of his eyes, the sharpness of his jawline. 

He was attractive either way, Sehun thought to himself, stroking a finger along the shell of Zitao's ear, along the row of his piercings. Stunning, really.

Sehun was surprised when Zitao turned to blink up at him. "What are you doing?" He'd lost himself in thought, hadn't realised that he was basically caressing his friend. "Are you bored?"

"A little," he lied. 

Zitao sucked his lip into his mouth, and Sehun's eyes tracked the movement. Want rushed over him, so overwhelming that he could barely breathe, and Zitao stared up at him, his eyes dark but unreadable. 

 

* 

 

_I want a clear sign but I forget all about it when I see your smile_

 

*

 

Zitao didn't know who made the first move. Perhaps they did at the same time. But one minute Zitao was watching the movie, trying not to shiver under Sehun's touch as he toyed with his hair. The next minute they were staring at one another, as Zitao did his best to hide all his feelings away where no one could ever see them. 

It all came undone when Sehun cupped his cheek, giving him a small smile. He didn't know who moved first, but Zitao surged up as Sehun leant down, their lips meeting as they kissed one another gently. There was none of the hunger, the ferocity of the first time. This was slow, explorative, calm. 

It made Zitao's heart want to float away, out of his body, and into the sky to join the stars. 

Somehow Zitao found himself in Sehun's lap, straddling him, Sehun's arms wrapped tightly around him. Sehun's lips were soft, sweet, and Zitao dimly thought that he could kiss him for a lifetime and never have enough. 

But Zitao knew all about loving people who didn't love him back. He'd let his heart fly free far too many times. He couldn't be the one who exposed himself - not again. But despite this - because ultimately he was an optimist and a romantic - he took a moment to check again.

"Just friends, right?" Even knowing the answer, he hoped that Sehun would answer differently.

But Sehun agreed. "Yeah. Just friends." 

Zitao swallowed his disappointment, refusing to let it show. He smiled at his friend. If that was all Sehun wanted, he could do it. He could settle for it. He wrenched his heart back, wrestled it back into his body, stuffed it in tightly and told it to stay put. 

One day he'd meet someone who would love him the way he deserved to be loved. Until then, he could pretend that this was enough.

He leaned in for another kiss, pretending that he wasn't lying to himself.

 

*

 

After he stepped off the subway, Sehun shook his head at Zitao's latest message, laughing a little. As always, it was filled with exclamation marks and emojis. They'd been messaging all morning, Zitao sending him funny cat gifs to keep him entertained during his commute, and Sehun typed him a quick response as he headed to his desk. 

Zhou Mi swung past his desk as Sehun arrived, getting himself settled by dropping his bag to the floor and taking off his coat. 

"Good morning!" Zhou Mi greeted, happy as always despite the fact that it was Monday morning. "How was the rest of your weekend? Did you talk to Zitao?"

Sehun nodded. "Uh huh." 

"And…? Everything's okay?" 

"Of course," Sehun told him. "Why? Did he say something?" It was unlike Zhou Mi to pry into personal matters, and for a moment Sehun was worried that perhaps Zitao had talked to him. 

"No," Zhou Mi said in response. "You just sounded weird when we talked on the phone - that's all."

"Right. Well. Yeah. I talked to him." His phone lit up with a new message notification. No doubt it was Zitao again. "Of course everything is fine, we're friends - why wouldn't it be?" 

"Okay," Zhou Mi said, though he seemed to be frowning a little. Then he shrugged, seeming to let it go. "I need to brief you about the latest project that's come in - I'll set up a time to talk later." He waved his fingers at him and headed to his own desk.

Sehun's phone lit up again. His fingers itched to unlock the screen, but instead he turned it face down on his desk. He could do this, he resolved. He could be just friends. 

One day he'd fall out of love with Zitao, and everything would be fine. 

One day.

 

*

 

_These days, it feels like you're mine. It seems like you're mine, but not_  
_It feels like I'm yours. It seems like I'm yours, but not_  
_Don't just laugh like you don't know. Stop this now, be real with me_  
_Don't put me in your heart and look elsewhere_  
_Why don't you stop acting like you don't know when you do know?_  
_Don't give excuses that you're tired, but hurry and tell me:_  
_I love you_


End file.
